week 32

oh how the time has gone by

looking at the app, i remember how the bar started off so far away. there's a bar at the top of the app that shows from week 2 to week 40 and where you're at. i remember we were so far in the front that it seems like forever till we would reach the end. now, we have just less than 8 weeks to go as i turn week 33 next week. unbelievable

on another app, we used to have like 100 plus days to go. now it's down to 2 digits. oh gosh. i'm trying not to think bout the delivery but more of the end of it when we get to see little precious one. sometimes i have nightmares where the baby is born deformed or something. seeing as we only had 2 ultrasounds and won't have anymore until the day we see baby face to face

the reason why i'm writing here is just to rant. i can't remember if i ranted about the wedding. bout the months and days leading to the wedding and all the headache and tears i've gone through. thinking that that was the end of it was foolish of me.

before this, i've only heard bout it. hear it from people. hear it from him. but never really experience it. the first few years together was no different. i didn't really notice it. slowly but surely. it was obvious.

the initial hesitance.
the double standard.
the occasional remarks.
the treatment.
the forbiddance (if there's such a word).

it all became such an act.

we would pretend.
like as if we could stand being in each other's sight. at least for me.
i do it so that it would make things easier for him.
that he won't have to get it from both sides.
i hope that my hugs and kisses will bring him into a world where there's just love all around.

silly me thought that this would all end once we're married.

now with the baby, it comes with another set of headaches.

i've learned to just let it go.
let it go.
breathe.
let her do whatever she wants.

sometimes i try to tell myself not to take it to heart.
that she doesn't know.
that she chooses to be ignorant.
that i don't need her affection and love.

but yet, at times, i find myself yearning for her acceptance.
but how can i have that?
who am i when her own son doesn't have it?

things were offered.
things were said.
in my mind, i thought i'll just listen and see how far it'll go.
well, it didn't go as far as i hoped.
i really hoped and believed.

in the end, i felt cheap.
like as if i needed it.

in the end, it was changed to the cheapest thing.
how would it make me feel?
maybe i'm taking it too personally.
that i'm overthinking things.

why does everything have to be such a chore?
if it's so difficult,

please.

i don't need it.

makes me feel pitiful.

i don't need it.

seriously.

conditions.
changes.
preferences.
demands.
thank God it's only 1 week.

holidays, vacations. no problem
full moon? problem


all i can do is thank God.
thank God that i have my parents who loves both of us.
thank God that we're here in Melb.
thank God that we only have to go through it during holidays and not everyday.