week 32

oh how the time has gone by

looking at the app, i remember how the bar started off so far away. there's a bar at the top of the app that shows from week 2 to week 40 and where you're at. i remember we were so far in the front that it seems like forever till we would reach the end. now, we have just less than 8 weeks to go as i turn week 33 next week. unbelievable

on another app, we used to have like 100 plus days to go. now it's down to 2 digits. oh gosh. i'm trying not to think bout the delivery but more of the end of it when we get to see little precious one. sometimes i have nightmares where the baby is born deformed or something. seeing as we only had 2 ultrasounds and won't have anymore until the day we see baby face to face

the reason why i'm writing here is just to rant. i can't remember if i ranted about the wedding. bout the months and days leading to the wedding and all the headache and tears i've gone through. thinking that that was the end of it was foolish of me.

before this, i've only heard bout it. hear it from people. hear it from him. but never really experience it. the first few years together was no different. i didn't really notice it. slowly but surely. it was obvious.

the initial hesitance.
the double standard.
the occasional remarks.
the treatment.
the forbiddance (if there's such a word).

it all became such an act.

we would pretend.
like as if we could stand being in each other's sight. at least for me.
i do it so that it would make things easier for him.
that he won't have to get it from both sides.
i hope that my hugs and kisses will bring him into a world where there's just love all around.

silly me thought that this would all end once we're married.

now with the baby, it comes with another set of headaches.

i've learned to just let it go.
let it go.
breathe.
let her do whatever she wants.

sometimes i try to tell myself not to take it to heart.
that she doesn't know.
that she chooses to be ignorant.
that i don't need her affection and love.

but yet, at times, i find myself yearning for her acceptance.
but how can i have that?
who am i when her own son doesn't have it?

things were offered.
things were said.
in my mind, i thought i'll just listen and see how far it'll go.
well, it didn't go as far as i hoped.
i really hoped and believed.

in the end, i felt cheap.
like as if i needed it.

in the end, it was changed to the cheapest thing.
how would it make me feel?
maybe i'm taking it too personally.
that i'm overthinking things.

why does everything have to be such a chore?
if it's so difficult,

please.

i don't need it.

makes me feel pitiful.

i don't need it.

seriously.

conditions.
changes.
preferences.
demands.
thank God it's only 1 week.

holidays, vacations. no problem
full moon? problem


all i can do is thank God.
thank God that i have my parents who loves both of us.
thank God that we're here in Melb.
thank God that we only have to go through it during holidays and not everyday.

of kicks and punches...

before i talk bout what i wanted to talk about... i just remembered what happened on Wednesday.

around 24-28 weeks if i'm not mistaken, preggers are supposed to do this test called the GTT. sounds so major doesn't it? well, to me it's major. it's the glucose tolerance test. if you don't pass it with flying colors, you will be stuck with watching your diet for the rest of the pregnancy and if it's really bad, you would have to get a device to monitor the sugar in your blood before and after meals. 

for me, i hate needles. the 2-3 times i had to get my blood test was a nightmare. so if i did fail this test, i'll be a wreck. like seriously. no joke. not funny at all.

the night before this test, i was required to fast at 10 pm. the appointment was at 7.30 am the next day. well, more like you arrive and take your number and your time starts when you get called into the room. we thought we were early because we arrived at 7.25 but nope there were already 6 people before me. we had to take a number and wait. at around 7.30ish numbers got called and it was my turn. lucky number 6! wonder why i'm number 6 when there were 6 people before me? one lady didn't take the number. so haha too bad!

so anyway, i went in, sat down, blood got drawn. then i was given a bottle of about 350 ml of glucose water to drink. i asked so after this there's another blood test and that was it. she said nope, 2 more times. i nearly fainted. so fine. she told me i had to drink that whole bottle within 5 minutes and i had to remain fasting until the whole test is done.

the drink was sweet. like really really sweet. normally i wouldn't mind sweet at all but this baby has changed my taste buds. i don't really fancy sweet stuff anymore, not even chocolate. but now i occasionally crave for chocolate. i think the drink was similar to coke if not a little sweeter. it was carbonated as well. after finishing it, i had to drink lots of water because my tongue had a really weird taste. guess i still don't like sweet stuff

after a while, it started. it seems the baby got really hyper i guess. there were constant punching and kicking. i guess he must have been on a sugar high since i had nothing at all since 10 pm the night before and suddenly this really sugary drink. 

so i pray that i don't fail this test if not.....die!!!

after that, we went to baby bunting again to check out the 3 important things that we should get really soon. a cot, pram, and car seat. we knew what we wanted for the cot and we were fairly sure about 1 or 2 brands of pram but not too sure about the car seat. in the end, we ended up paying a deposit for all 3 items. as we were walking back to the car, we were astonished and wondered whether that really happened haha but that will be an entirely separate post that i'll write one day

anyway, let's continue back to the main reason why i'm here writing. 

according to my app, i should be able to feel the baby kick around 18 weeks and after. at around 20 or 21 weeks, that was when i really felt the baby move. before this i felt a flutter here and there. actually more like a snake moving within me. usually when i felt the baby move was when i ate. every time i had food, he will move non stop. slowly, he would move when he hears music or my voice. i noticed he moved a lot when he heard me sing during praise and worship. on sunday, woah, he moved so much. during the entire praise and worship he was moving and flip flopping around

in the mornings, when i'm stirring from my sleep and i stretch, he would move too. like as if he's telling me that he's awake too. or when i'm talking to the husband, he would move too like as if he wants to join in to the conversation. at night when we wanna go to sleep and he moves, then kevin tells him to stop moving cause we're going to sleep, it was like as if he understands and will settle down for me to go to sleep. how amazing huh?

what made me decide to really write this down was what happened a few minutes ago. i was starting to read one of karen kingsbury's book and he either kicked or punched really hard. he did that for 2 times and i thought i saw my tummy move. so i looked and the 3rd time i really saw my tummy move. such a wonderful sight. so amazing to see how all this can happen. before this, a few weeks ago, i thought i saw it and i told kevin but he said it was impossible that the baby could kick or punch so hard now. but it's really true. this baby is such a tough and strong baby. 

so yeah, that's it. that's all i wanna update. hopefully i can remember to take more weekly photos of myself. 

pregnancy so far....

....has been good.

i've been wanting to write bout my pregnancy ever since we found out. but i've been waiting to announce it after 12 weeks. and now i can't even remember what i wanted to write about haha let's see if i can remember

i didn't get the morning sickness which was why we found out so late. guess i'm not as attuned to my body as i thought. the lethargy has gone as i entered into a week or 2 of my 2nd trimester. 

i read on the app that i should be able to feel baby move around 18-22 weeks. at 18 weeks i was anxious to feel baby but i guess i still couldn't. i felt him move around like a snake in my body at around 20-21 weeks. it was more prominent every time i blew dry my hair. it was as if he was telling me that he didn't like the loud noise very much.

i think i felt kicks and punches the most when we were preparing to go back to kl for a holiday. so that must be around 21 weeks. we went back to kl to enjoy some holiday before i'm grounded for i don't know when. 

in the beginning, he only kicked and punched me every time i eat. i guess he's showing his boy personality. hopefully he'll be an awesome eater in the future. then sometimes, he slowly progressed to moving when he hears my voice; when i'm singing or praying, he'll kick. now a days, he moves whenever he knows that i'm awake (i wonder how does he know when. even when i'm half asleep, he knows), when he hears mine and daddy's voice, and also when i'm eating.

my fingers have swollen a tad bit which means i can't wear my engagement ring anymore. my wedding ring seems to get tighter and tighter as the days passes. the first time i saw my legs swell was after landing in kl, when we were home and i was getting ready to change for dinner. the husband helped me take off my compression socks and bam! feet was super swollen i couldn't even recognize it. then slowly, every time i sat too long, it gets swollen. but as long as i put my feet up when i sleep, it goes back to normal the next day. 

being back in kl this time made me have heat rash. usually i'm alright. but i guess the baby has changed my body, so i'm left with heat rash here and there. hopefully it goes off asap :(

my sweet tooth has gone. this baby doesn't like anything sweet. every time i look at chocs and sweets i feel yucks. sometimes i feel like eating it and when i eat it, i have this really bad after taste. instead, i love things that are sour or spicy. a lot of people have been trying to tell me to eat a variety of food so that the baby will be open to trying new food in the future. but i can't seem to do that. i have been trying though. this week i'll try to eat pasta again. haven't been eating pasta ever since i've gotten pregnant. i used to be able to eat pasta every day but now i find it revolting.

i've been trying to be diligent in taking my bump photos weekly but have been missing a few weeks here and there. my plans was thwarted especially when we went back to kl for hols. haha hopefully i am able to continue it back now

anyway i can't think of anything else to update. if i remember anything, i'll update again

20 weeks scan

we went for our 20 weeks scan just right before we left to go back to Malaysia. we have been looking forward to it because that was the week where we found out whether it was a boy or girl. 

here in Australia they do things a little differently. we only have 3 or 4 ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy.

1st scan: to see how far along is baby. measure the length and take a photo of its size

2nd scan (20 weeks): to see baby's gender, measure weight and height, reconfirm due date, check through baby's growth (whether it's normal, all organs are developed, spine, 2 hands and feet)

the first thing the doctor asked us was whether or not we wanted to know the gender. we immediately said of course we wanna know. so he said you see that thing there? the straight thing? your baby is a baby. definitely a boy. haha

we were so happy to hear that baby's a he because that's what we wanted all along. we both wanted a boy as a first child because we have some preconceived notion that boy's will be taught to take care of their younger siblings.

this time the scan took really long because he said the baby was constantly moving which made it difficult for him to scan. at one point, baby pushed himself into a corner and curled up with made the sonographer a bit irritated. all in all we were in there for bout 40-45 minutes.

it was so nice watching him move and turn because the last time we saw him, he was still a little peanut with not much features. just a small lil blob and we didn't get to see him for long because it was just a short appointment. this time, it was like a whole different person. haha nice to see him growing

now we have to think of a name for him since we've been calling him baby boy. can't call him baby cuz then we'll get confused as we sometimes call each other baby lol

so the next scan which is the 3rd scan, it'll be when i'm almost gonna give birth. that's when they will check the baby, make sure his progressing down to the birth canal and getting ready to meet everyone

1st visit to the hospital

written on the 20th of May 2015


today was the very first time we went to the hospital. it was a bit daunting because the hospital is pretty huge but the signage and all made it quite easy to find. we were supposed to go to the pregnancy clinic on level 1

once we arrived, there were so many people. pregnant people. and their belly's were huge. i felt like i didn't belong there because i was still too small. but oh wells. it's time for me to go for hospital appointments instead of going to the regular GP (whom i don't really like anyways. she's so blur. didn't even get my weight right)

there were some who went on their own and some with their partners. we were guessing those women who didn't have their partners together with them was because they've been to so many appointments that they were just too bored to go to another again lol

some of them were knitting even. i felt like i should take up knitting. haha but the baby will come out during spring/summer. it'll be too hot for he/she to be wearing knitted clothing. 

funny thing happened while we were waiting. when we arrived to the clinic, this couple kept looking at us. every time i looked at the guy, he would be looking at us. i was feeling a bit self-conscious. suddenly, he went to kevin and said, "excuse me bro, do you speak vietnamese?" kevin said no. then he said, "oh, china?" and kevin said, "no, malaysian" and that was the end of the conversation. they appeared to be confused and unsure of what to do. i wonder what are they unsure about. wish i could help but too bad

anyway, went in to meet the midwife. some of them called our names so softly that we couldn't hear it. i couldn't hear my name cause there were conversations going on and children crying and playing. how to hear them right? anyway, we saw a midwife calling someone and when no one went up, she walked back in. then i heard my name. oooo! she was calling me. oops!

went in and the first thing the midwife showed us was this trial pack filled with a children's book, some pamphlets, and a "bible" for pregnancy. she said only random few first time english speaking expectant mothers would get this. this is a trial pack as they are trying to standardize everything in Australia. felt so privileged. apparently, even some of the staff wants it haha

one thing about me is that i love goodie bags. i love anything that come in packs and are free. so when i was offered the free pack i was ecstatic and even more so when it sounds so exclusive. and we were also given another card to collect a "bounty" bag which was filled with even more goodies! oh boy! makes me such a happy person! haha

so anyway, answered a few questions that were more in detail as compared to the questions in the GP. when almost every question came back with a no and more no's. she said that she seldom see young and fit mothers now a days. mostly are those with complicated backgrounds that would cause risky pregnancies or older mothers who will definitely be subject to certain risk in her pregnancy. so when my answers indicated nothing of concern, she was quite surprised and was hoping that i would say there was something wrong. haha weird isn't? shouldn't you hope the best out of your patients?

anyway, made another appointment to see a doctor on 3rd of june. she wondered why i couldn't see the midwife and the doctor at the same time today. but oh wells. i enjoyed spending the whole day with the hubs. it was fun!

i can't wait till i'm 20 weeks!! that's when we see the baby again and definitely will be able to see the gender!!

all in all, really praise and thank God that the pregnancy and birth is covered by our OSHC insurance if not we would have to pay $15,000 plus. which by the way is insane!!! so thank you God!!!

blood & needles

written on the 7th of April 2015


since we did the pregnancy test on Good Friday, it was the long weekend. we had to wait till today when everything operates are per usual. was a bit skeptical that we wouldn't get an appointment, figured it'll be fully booked but thank God it wasn't.

went for the doctors appointment and while we were registering ourselves in the clinic, i saw a pregnant doctor (who was also quite pretty i must say) coming out to call a patient in. immediately i prayed and said "God, i want her. or some other female doctor that is nice." and i really got her. haha she was really down to earth. quite easy to talk to. but it seems that she loves to talk because i couldn't get a word in haha but i knew i wanted a female doctor. i'm uncomfortable having male doctors even though i heard that they are better than female ones. so anyway...

we mentioned to her that we took the home pregnancy test and her face was like ahuh...so why are you coming in here for? haha she looked so clueless as to why we were there. she said usually home pregnancy tests are pretty accurate especially since we took 2 tests! haha but in the end she mentioned that we should do a blood test. now, here's the thing... in my whole life, i've never gotten a blood test before. nobody has ever intentionally drawn blood from me, obviously this made me nervous like hell...! i asked whether it was necessary and she said yes! *tears*

so we were directed to another room where they took blood samples. this chinese aunty was the one who did it for me and i must say she didn't seem too friendly. i was so scared and nervous and tensed up. i couldn't even look at what she was doing to me, i had to look away. apparently from what i've read, this is not my 1 and only blood test. apparently there's more to come. oh yay me!!

so anyway, even though i didn't look. i could hear the blood gushing out into the tubes. it hurt when she stuck the needle in and hurt a lil when she was switching the tubes. but it was all over before i knew it. not a fan of it seriously. not a fan

after taking my blood samples, she seem to have soften up a lil. put cotton wool on it with a tape. oh boy. the sticky tape was even more painful that getting poke by the needle. taking it off was like waxing. i had to get the husband to tear it off because it was too painful for me to handle. so because i'm going to be working the next few days and we've been told that we had to wait a few days for the results to get back, we made the next appointment for monday. i guess that's when we will know better. like the due date and set up further appointments and even choose a hospital. it's all getting so so real!

us as parents???

this was written on the 5th of April 2015

today is Good Friday and we've decided a few days before that we'll do the pregnancy test today. we've done tests a few times before just cuz i missed my period. but we kept forgetting that whenever i'm stressed, it affects my period. so we were quite used to seeing just 1 line and usually a few days after the test, my period comes. so when we decided to take the test this time, we weren't expecting much. but i've noticed a few changes with my body recently but yet i don't experience the "full" force of pregnancy symptoms so still a bit skeptical. however, because i haven't been well (flu and cough), we decided it was due to that

come this morning, we had 1 last pregnancy test left. did the usual thing that you would need to do with the test. the instructions was very specific and mentioned that it should only be 5 seconds long (bold and underlined for effect). the husband told me to stop at 6 seconds and i was pretty sure we messed up the test. slowly but surely 1 line slowly crept up and i was so sure that was just it. since we were so used to seeing only 1 line. but suddenly i saw another really really really light line which grew darker pink as time passed. i sat there and stared at it with disbelief. i kept saying "oh my goodness dear! oh my goodness dear!" and the hubs being the hubs didn't believe me (since i love playing pranks on him). he kept saying "are you serious? don't play ah"

we just couldn't belief it.

we decided that we would just go to the chemist and get another test. since it's the long weekend, we were afraid that nothing will be opened and we would have to wait till tuesday to make a doctors appointment. but thank God the chemist was opened. i asked the pharmacist whether i would've to wait till the next morning since i did 1 test already and it was positive. she said just get 1 to try again and you can do it any time since you've already done one but usually there's not false positive, only false negative. we both stared at each other with this goofy, toothy grin. haha so off we bought another test and couldn't wait to go home to try.

the results for the 2nd test came even faster than the 1st one and the lines were even darker. maybe their recommendation of the 1st morning pee isn't very accurate haha so this time we were positive that WE'RE PREGNANT!!!! 

but just waiting to set a doctors appointment to really really confirm it. so it's gonna be quite hard a secret to keep from our family and friends.

will update this once we've seen the doctor!!!

the first test

see the 2nd line, it's lighter

the 2nd test

the lines are darker and the results came out faster than the 1st test we did