so you would come.

it has been days.
been a week plus.

i've been in an emotional roller coaster.
but most of it all....
i've been feeling the shittiest.
it's been a long time since i've felt like this.
the worst was bout 6 or 7 years ago.
that was the worst.

i never thought that this feeling would come back and haunt me.
i must say that it's not AS shitty as the last time.
but still... it's shitty!
shitty shit shit...!
yeah, loads of shit.
tons of shit.
truckload of shit!



as i was bathing (i know.. weirdest time)
i was reminded of this song
"so you would come"
and this video speaks so much.


"for if you love only those who love you,
what reward is there in that?"


it has been a constant battle.
to say or not to say.
to care or not to care.
to love or not to love.
to talk or not to talk.
to settle or not to settle.
to face it or not to face it.

the battle has not ended.
but i hope it won't last too long.
i don't know whether i can take it anymore.

of it all.

of all the wrong things that i feel has happened.
finally there are some right stuff to make me feel better.

i find that i'm doing quite a good job with the children in school.
i feel that i didn't make a wrong decision in choosing to be a kindy teacher.
though at times the children might not listen,
and i might be too soft and nice.
but hey.... i do see some improvements in a few of the children.


i heard that next year a child wants to be in my class again
and another was so happy to see me,
she hugged me and shouted "Good morning teacher esther"
2 boys in my class loves to sit beside me.


today a girl who NEVER has the patience to wait for me.
(the children seriously thinks that i'm an octopus. they think that i can help ALL of them at the same time. and when i say wait, they'll go and mess up some part of the class)
so this girl that i was talking bout.... when i say waitt........ she'll sulk, continuously shoving her work at my face, and keeps calling "teacher....teacher....teacher" (like a broken record)
but today, when i asked her to wait and sit down, she sat there quietly.
looking at her other friends making a mess in the class.
she didn't make any noise.
no shoving of work at my face.
she was such a good girl.
and when i finally helped her, she said "thank you teacher for helping me"
i was so happy.
suddenly all the sadness and depression left.
the wonders of what a lil child could do.....

they can piss you off but they can also make you the happiest person.

verb.

love is a verb.
you just have to do it.
yeah.
right.


if it was the right thing?
why do i feel so shitty now?
i feel that even God also don't wanna hear from me now.

***************

on a different and happier note....


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR KAI CHEH!

sorry... this is the latest picture i have with u.

myob.

when will it end?
will it ever end?


i'm very happy to leave now... in a sense
but what if i don't leave.
what am i gonna do?
hide in one corner every single time?
think bout it and cry over and over again?
put up a happy front but inside i'm actually crying?



i've decided not to care.
the best thing is not to care anymore.
what's the point?
the only person who will hurt from this is me.
so why do i wanna hurt myself more?
what's the point in caring anymore?
what's the point....
everything is in vain.



the one thing i've learned from this is....


MINE YOUR OWN BUSINESS




the best thing to do from now on is to shut up.
don't say anything until it has been mentioned
yeah.
that's the best thing to do.


i'll never wanna be hurt like this again.

a time & season.

it was wrong.
timing, approach.
done without much thought.
but it was over the limit.
it was just too much to handle.
it's something beyond the ordinary.
it doesn't happen very often in one's world.
actually, not at all.
so what to do.
what to say.
how to react.

so much knowledge,

but where is it?
chose to neglect it?
okay, fine, understood.
but must it be now?


can't help but be in those shoes.

a month and a little more.

as my title says, i've been working for a month plus now and it certainly doesn't feel like it. when i first started, everything was a blur. every teacher seems to know what to do and where to go.... everyone except me. i have 2 friends who's working at the same place, doing teaching practice as well and a few seniors who's now working there full time. i started later than my friends because i went for my awesome Melb trip =) heheheheh

in the beginning, i was dreading it. mainly because i would rather like to PLAY than work or study and also because.... school ends at 11.20 or 11.30 am. i officially finish work at 1.15 pm. there i was thinking, what am i gonna do until i finish work. the first few weeks, i didn't have much to do. i just help out with whatever i can. time still pass super fast but not as fast as it is now. it's unbelievable. literally, in a blink of an eye, school is over and i'm rushing to clean up the class and pack up. also, i have more work now. i'm preparing more stuff for class.

now, i can safely say that i'm definitely getting used to this. i've gotten used to the routine of it all. everything has changed. i didn't understand why everyone said studying is better than working. but now i get it. when you're studying, you can be lazy and skip class. but not when you're working. you can't be lazy and decide not to go to work... ESPECIALLY when you're a teacher. there is a benefit to working. THE PAY. on the other hand, studying has a different kind of stress. the assignments and exams. both of which i really hate. so actually both has its pros and cons to me. still on the fence bout this issue

also, currently i'm known as the "ah ma". he calls me ah ma because i sleep REALLY REALLY early now. the latest for me is 11 pm and that also i'm complaining that it's difficult to get up the next day hahaha so after i post this up and shooooo him home. ah ma is going to sleep =)

just the way you are.

it's been a while since we've updated. everyday i come here and i wish it's updated but i've been lazy. it's gonna be a month since i came back from Melb and also since i've started my teaching practice. the trip was so enjoyable that i didn't wanna go home but i have to....

i wanted to post up photos taken in Melb but i've decided not. too lazy. will find a day to post it in FB. this past week flew by so quickly. i was thinking back of what i've done so far and couldn't think of anything that was meaningful. i'm just lazing through the whole holiday. there's so many things that needs to be done but i'm just too lazy to do it. ah! this is bad... this is really really bad.

holiday is gonna end soon and i better get something done. i thought of making "to-do lists" but i'm not sure whether it'll work. i'll try it out tmr and we'll see how it goes. i've never written one before. haha!

so bout my teaching practice...... it has been tough and challenging. there are so many requirements and so many things to do that i'm starting to wonder whether i'm in the right place. but when i see the children, i know that i chose the right course just that i'm not sure whether i should be working in a kindy or rather this particular kindy that i'm in. oh wells. we'll see after my teaching practice.


i guess i'll just post up one photo. since it's my brother's birthday

happy birthday my dear brother
missing you =)