hurdles.

this year is very very different from the rest of the years.
there are more dramas, decisions, and changes.
so far, i'm proud to say that i've passed 1 important hurdle
and have 2 more to go before i get to "enjoy".

this hurdle that i went through was my final year project.
while working in the kindy, i had to collect resources to make a practicum file.
some of the things included were observations and lesson plans.
i've spent countless days and nights working on this never ending file
and finally it's done today!
i've never felt so satisfied.
but there are 2 more hurdles coming my way before i could relax for a while.

Mega 4!

also, it is the school holidays now.
i never thought i would say this but i do miss the children in the kindy.
when i look at the pictures,
i am glad that i got to be a part of their lives for those 3 months.

but for now, i will enjoy the "holiday" that i am blessed to have! =)

more than expected.

plenty of things has been happening.
i'm not really sure whether it's good or bad.
but things has been happening.

*i have 2 more weeks of work then it's HOLIDAY....!
today marks my 240 hours.
me and my friends decided to continue on until the school holiday because it would be unfair for the children to suddenly have a replacement teacher for only 2 weeks.
as i was thinking back from the day i started....
i've gotten used to so many things.

1. waking up early every morning (even on weekends, i wake up at 6 something and i would have to force myself to fall back asleep. also, i'm proud to say that i don't take naps anymore)
   
2. the routines in school. (i'm not as blur case as the first few weeks)
3. having control of the children. (the children wouldn't listen to me in the beginning)
   

*looking at the bank book....
i realized that it's been a year since we've started saving
and the amount is much more than we expected.
(it'll be much more if we didn't take some of the money for him to enjoy a trip to spore)


*i've received good stuff today.
i thought my day was gonna start off horribly because i had my observation today and i forgot to bring the papers for my mentor to evaluate me.
i was bout to have a mental break down.
i prayed.
immediately, i felt peace for the whole day.
my mentor said i did very good compared to my first observation.


the other good stuff i received today was a conditional offer from deakin university.
i didn't really want to mention much before this, just in case i don't get into the uni.
but apparently, every uni wants your money. so why wouldn't you get in?
so anyway... i got this offer way earlier than expected
because they told me that i would hear from them probably at the end of november.
so.... all i have to do now is to complete my diploma and do ielts.
i got much more than i expected as well.
i got a year of exemption.
i'm not sure whether it's normal for my course or any course but it's definitely a lot for me.
since i'm the kind of person who hates studying,
even the thought of studying.


so that's all the update from me...
you'll definitely not hear anything from him =)

so you would come.

it has been days.
been a week plus.

i've been in an emotional roller coaster.
but most of it all....
i've been feeling the shittiest.
it's been a long time since i've felt like this.
the worst was bout 6 or 7 years ago.
that was the worst.

i never thought that this feeling would come back and haunt me.
i must say that it's not AS shitty as the last time.
but still... it's shitty!
shitty shit shit...!
yeah, loads of shit.
tons of shit.
truckload of shit!



as i was bathing (i know.. weirdest time)
i was reminded of this song
"so you would come"
and this video speaks so much.


"for if you love only those who love you,
what reward is there in that?"


it has been a constant battle.
to say or not to say.
to care or not to care.
to love or not to love.
to talk or not to talk.
to settle or not to settle.
to face it or not to face it.

the battle has not ended.
but i hope it won't last too long.
i don't know whether i can take it anymore.

of it all.

of all the wrong things that i feel has happened.
finally there are some right stuff to make me feel better.

i find that i'm doing quite a good job with the children in school.
i feel that i didn't make a wrong decision in choosing to be a kindy teacher.
though at times the children might not listen,
and i might be too soft and nice.
but hey.... i do see some improvements in a few of the children.


i heard that next year a child wants to be in my class again
and another was so happy to see me,
she hugged me and shouted "Good morning teacher esther"
2 boys in my class loves to sit beside me.


today a girl who NEVER has the patience to wait for me.
(the children seriously thinks that i'm an octopus. they think that i can help ALL of them at the same time. and when i say wait, they'll go and mess up some part of the class)
so this girl that i was talking bout.... when i say waitt........ she'll sulk, continuously shoving her work at my face, and keeps calling "teacher....teacher....teacher" (like a broken record)
but today, when i asked her to wait and sit down, she sat there quietly.
looking at her other friends making a mess in the class.
she didn't make any noise.
no shoving of work at my face.
she was such a good girl.
and when i finally helped her, she said "thank you teacher for helping me"
i was so happy.
suddenly all the sadness and depression left.
the wonders of what a lil child could do.....

they can piss you off but they can also make you the happiest person.

verb.

love is a verb.
you just have to do it.
yeah.
right.


if it was the right thing?
why do i feel so shitty now?
i feel that even God also don't wanna hear from me now.

***************

on a different and happier note....


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR KAI CHEH!

sorry... this is the latest picture i have with u.

myob.

when will it end?
will it ever end?


i'm very happy to leave now... in a sense
but what if i don't leave.
what am i gonna do?
hide in one corner every single time?
think bout it and cry over and over again?
put up a happy front but inside i'm actually crying?



i've decided not to care.
the best thing is not to care anymore.
what's the point?
the only person who will hurt from this is me.
so why do i wanna hurt myself more?
what's the point in caring anymore?
what's the point....
everything is in vain.



the one thing i've learned from this is....


MINE YOUR OWN BUSINESS




the best thing to do from now on is to shut up.
don't say anything until it has been mentioned
yeah.
that's the best thing to do.


i'll never wanna be hurt like this again.

a time & season.

it was wrong.
timing, approach.
done without much thought.
but it was over the limit.
it was just too much to handle.
it's something beyond the ordinary.
it doesn't happen very often in one's world.
actually, not at all.
so what to do.
what to say.
how to react.

so much knowledge,

but where is it?
chose to neglect it?
okay, fine, understood.
but must it be now?


can't help but be in those shoes.